my phone needs a breathalizer
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize