Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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