I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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