I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
