pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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