When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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