Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
