You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
