I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
