I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
