My sheets look like a crime scene.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
