Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
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what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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