The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
