I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
