Soap is not a condiment
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
