I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
