dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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