my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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