Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
