I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
zippers are such a cool invention
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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