I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
