I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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