I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
