I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
