Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
