it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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