Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
