Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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