you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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