Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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