i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
