A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
