I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
