What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
