you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
