i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Randomize
