i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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