Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
