I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
