Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
