I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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