Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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