dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
no, he came in my armpit
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
