Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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