i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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