i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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