she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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