I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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