I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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