Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
porn star boner night. come get it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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