It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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