I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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