There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
