Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
