Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
