i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
