So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
