The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
